


A Purpose

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-11
Updated: 2008-01-11
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:04:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: James discovers his purpose. [Scrivenshaft Entry]





	A Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

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_A Purpose_

_By Infinitesimal_

_This was written for the December Scrivenshaft, although I'm not too certain my submission went through. Something must be wrong with my email, because it never seems to. But anyway, maybe if my email didn't go through it'd be possible to read it from here? Still not absolutely clear on the rules concerning that. Either way, enjoy._

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James’s feet hit the floor that morning with a purpose. 

He pulls on one thick sock and then another and then another. He crawls under Sirius’s bed and grabs The Jumper With Too Many Stripes, because it’s the warmest they’ve got between them, and he pulls it over his head with a purpose.

He puts on a coat and his shoes and he leaves the dormitory on his tip toes, so as not to wake the others. Before he shuts the door he turns and looks at each of them in bed, as is his habit– Remus always sleeps with his feet hanging off thethe end, and Peter can’t stand the curtains being closed at night so he leaves them pinned to the walls. Sirius is the only one who sleeps completely normally, the epitome of peace and quiet, which never fails to amuse them. He smiles at all of the presents piled at the feet of their beds and he closes the door slow enough to watch each of them disappear, one by one, behind the hard grain of the door. He turns and walks down the stairs with a purpose.

The night before, when James had been searching the map for It, for The Perfect Spot, Sirius asked how he was supposed to know– how he was so sure that _this_ was his purpose. 

“It took me awhile,” James replied slowly. He sat the map down and his hazel eyes floated upward. “There were lots of little pieces I needed to fit together first. And I remembered– do you remember how small Lily was, in first year? Her feet didn’t touch the floor when she sat down. Do you remember?”

“Yeah,” Sirius laughed. “We teased her about it for ages.”

“Yeah,” James repeated. He didn’t look amused. “I remember she could never reach the books she wanted in the library. I felt– there’s just no way to explain it. I felt this _ache_.” He raised his hand and pressed it against his chest. “I look at her now and I just–“ His fingers tightened.

“You can’t help her,” Remus said quietly. He looked up from his book and his eyes were sad. “I don’t think anyone can.”

“I have to try,” he insisted. He picked up the map again and continued to search for The Place.

“After all,” Sirius grinned. “It’s his _purpose_.”

Now, James turns and looks up at the girls staircase and wonders, briefly, if Remus had been right.

The crash had come out of nowhere, her friends said; a freak accident. Her Mum had been killed instantly. She’d gotten the letter over breakfast and left the hall shrieking– _shrieking_. Nobody knew for sure what happened next. Apparently she’d been spotted on the underground, and when they attacked her house there was only so much she could do. Her father was killed and three days later, Lily came back silent. 

All he can think about is her voice; how he can’t imagine a sound more beautiful, especially now that he’s lost it. He remembers when she left the hall shrieking, and how he can still feel each scar the sound had gouged into his body.

_Even if it is hopeless,_ he thinks to himself, _even if it doesn’t help, I have to try, I_ have _too._

He takes one step, and then another, and then another, and he climbs up the girls staircase with a purpose.

The seventh year dormitory is at the very top, and James finds the door wide open when he steps onto the final landing, as if someone was waiting to welcome him in. Inside, there are similar piles of Christmas presents shining happily at the foot of similar four posters. He edges his way through the mess of discarded clothes and books and peers into the faces of the sleeping girls, only to freeze when he finds a certain green eyed girl peering right back at him.

James brings his hand up and clutches his chest when he sees her– a habit he can’t remember picking up, but somehow can’t recall ever being without. He moves forward and he holds out his hand with a purpose.

“Happy Christmas Lily. I was wondering– I was hoping you would come with me. I have something I’d like to show you.”

James thinks of a thousand different things he’d like to add; how much he loves her green eyes and her hair when it’s rumpled like that and how sorry he is that he never helped her reach those damn books when he was two heads taller than her and too stupid to do anything but pull her pigtails. He thinks about how he’d like to apologize for so many things– for everything.

Lily watches him for a moment with her green eyes, and he’s too startled to do anything but stare, dumbly, when she slides out of bed and takes his hand.

She looks up into his eyes and he feels it inside of him– the _ache_. He squeezes her cold fingers and leads her out of the room with a purpose. She slides on her boots over her stockinged feet, and James hopes her dressing gown is warm because The Perfect Place was far, and the last thing he wanted was to get her sick.

He pulls her through the dark halls with a purpose. And when they reach the doors leading outside he stops, his heart pounding in his throat, and he strips off his coat and The Jumper With Too Many Stripes, and he tightens them around her frail shoulders with trembling fingers. 

Her green eyes meet his and there is something calming in their depths– James takes her hand again and clutches his chest with the other.

Outside, it’s colder then he expects. He thinks, furiously, that he was stupid to bring her out here. That it would have been okay from a tower window, somewhere warm. With an effortlessness that surprises him, he reaches over and encases the small girl in his arms, holding her there as they walk. Maybe it’s because he’s suddenly warmer than he’s ever been in his life, but he is surprised when he finds they’ve already arrived at the little hill– the Perfect Spot.

He tightens his hold around her and as they climb to the very top, right in front of them, the sun begins to rise with a purpose.

Pink light spreads slowly, staining everything it touches with wet, glittering fingers. Everything around them begins to take on a different shape. The snow softens. And when the first circles of light wash over them, James looks down at Lily and clutches his chest.

“I can’t change anything that’s happened,” he says, and his words come out in a foggy web. “I can’t change how I was an idiot for six years and how I made fun of you for being too small to reach your favorite books. I can’t– I–“

The sun pops it’s lazy head up and the sky is suddenly orange. Everything is bathed in light, and Lily’s eyes are so green James can’t think straight. He brings his hands up and holds her there, _right there_ , he hopes forever, because he’s never seen anything so beautiful.

“I miss your voice,” he says. He feels the ache in his chest and the tears he tries to blink away. “I miss _you_ , Lily. I miss you so much. Remember when you said I lived my life without a purpose? And I laughed and said I didn’t need one, cause I have you? I realized something. I realized–“

The sun slips quietly into the sky. Around them, every frozen thing seems to glow with light, and James can feel the warmth of it all as he bends and presses his lips into Lily’s hair.

“In the depth of winter,” he whispers. “I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

James can’t remember the first words Lily ever spoke to him. He can’t remember half of the things she’s said to him across the span of all their years, but he _wants_ too. He wants to remember _everything_ – every sound, the shape of her lips as she forms each word, the way he feels as each note resonates inside of him. But when she clutches onto his collar with both small hands and whispers through her tears that she loves him, James knows he will remember each word forever. He feels them stretch and expand and scar inside him. He feels them fill the place in his chest that used to ache.

And he leans down and presses his cold mouth against hers with a purpose. 

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End file.
